Friday, 30 April 2010
Ok, so I admit it...I'm a fuck-up. I don't know why...I've just never been successful at anything really. Today I realized that my financial future is screwed. Never mind the current nation-wide economic situation. This has been with me for a while now...ever since I can remember actually.
I'm on a monthly disabily check...half of which goes to rent. Which at $350 isn't bad..it's an actual blessing. I know that a 43 year old man living with Momma isn't a good thing. When I used to go to church, or even associate with Christians most of them looked at me kinda funny. I know what they were thinking. One of them even came out and told me that I needed to move out of my mom's house. Granted, there were, and are, a few times where I would like to. But the reality is that I can't even afford to feed myself, so how is that going to help?
Get a job? Well because of my disability, no one will hire me. So that's out of the question. I had so high hopes of getting into the graphics field, but that was shot down. Then the computer field job was also shot down. Never mind that I did work in each of those fields for a year. The end resuly with the graphics field is that the company that hired me was trying to survive being shut down due to the owner's gambling problems. The computer company I worked for had a high-employee turn-over rate, and I even fucked that one up big time: most of the time I clocked in late, or else I came in to work on my days off, or took the days I was supposed to work off.
Then there's the case of my social life...WHAT SOCIAL LIFE?!!!! I don't have any friends at all. Mind you, I know people that used to be my friends, but we don't connect anymore...I don't know why...family, jobs, etc? I mean I understand that family comes first. But I just don't get where people whom you haven't seen in years still consider you a friend.
I mean, being a Christian I am very outgoing. But I also understand that since I am a artist, that an artist's life is pretty much one of solitude since they have to be creative. But there are times when I would like someone to talk to or hang out with.
But of course, then we come back to the financial bit. While I read recently in a magazine that money isn't the thing that women look for in a man...I have my doubts about that. I mean, a woman wants to be pampered....right?
But then again, this is coming from a guy who has never really dated. Or at least not to the point of anything serious. I've had a tremendous and very exciting time with a girl whom I proposed to, but that didn't work out (in retrospect I do thank God for that one). Either she didn't like me as a "boyfriend/husband", or she someone saw into my future and got scared and ran away. I don't her at all. Then after her there were the two "one-night stands" that, unfortunately, did end up with both of us getting naked, a little forplay, but no more action. Even though I loved the sensation of kissing, I knew after the second one that was something I would never have again.
Anyways, my financial situation is draining me. As we speak I am overdrawn $3.00 on my checking account, and I have to pay a $35.00 fee now. I don't know how that works, but hopefully by Monday that won't increase. Then I have to decide what I need to do with my credit card debt. At this point all I can pay is $15 monthly on two separate accounts. The thing is that unless I talk with them and get them to knock off the interest rate and finance charge, that's not going to lower my debt at all. I've thought about bankruptcy, but at this point I am afraid of what they can, and will take away.
I hear people kill themselves over all this stuff. I'm certainly not going to do that, but it just makes me angry that the banks really don't look at how much, or what kind of income a person has before giving them a credit card. They need to look into a whole lot of things, including inquiring about a person's past finances before doing that.
Anyways, hopefully I'll learn my lesson this time around....