Ok, so I admit it...I'm a fuck-up. I don't know why...I've just never been successful at anything really. Today I realized that my financial future is screwed. Never mind the current nation-wide economic situation. This has been with me for a while now...ever since I can remember actually.

I'm on a monthly disabily check...half of which goes to rent. Which at $350 isn't bad..it's an actual blessing. I know that a 43 year old man living with Momma isn't a good thing. When I used to go to church, or even associate with Christians most of them looked at me kinda funny. I know what they were thinking. One of them even came out and told me that I needed to move out of my mom's house. Granted, there were, and are, a few times where I would like to. But the reality is that I can't even afford to feed myself, so how is that going to help?

Get a job? Well because of my disability, no one will hire me. So that's out of the question. I had so high hopes of getting into the graphics field, but that was shot down. Then the computer field job was also shot down. Never mind that I did work in each of those fields for a year. The end resuly with the graphics field is that the company that hired me was trying to survive being shut down due to the owner's gambling problems. The computer company I worked for had a high-employee turn-over rate, and I even fucked that one up big time: most of the time I clocked in late, or else I came in to work on my days off, or took the days I was supposed to work off.

Then there's the case of my social life...WHAT SOCIAL LIFE?!!!! I don't have any friends at all. Mind you, I know people that used to be my friends, but we don't connect anymore...I don't know why...family, jobs, etc? I mean I understand that family comes first. But I just don't get where people whom you haven't seen in years still consider you a friend.

I mean, being a Christian I am very outgoing. But I also understand that since I am a artist, that an artist's life is pretty much one of solitude since they have to be creative. But there are times when I would like someone to talk to or hang out with.

But of course, then we come back to the financial bit. While I read recently in a magazine that money isn't the thing that women look for in a man...I have my doubts about that. I mean, a woman wants to be pampered....right?

But then again, this is coming from a guy who has never really dated. Or at least not to the point of anything serious. I've had a tremendous and very exciting time with a girl whom I proposed to, but that didn't work out (in retrospect I do thank God for that one). Either she didn't like me as a "boyfriend/husband", or she someone saw into my future and got scared and ran away. I don't her at all. Then after her there were the two "one-night stands" that, unfortunately, did end up with both of us getting naked, a little forplay, but no more action. Even though I loved the sensation of kissing, I knew after the second one that was something I would never have again.

Anyways, my financial situation is draining me. As we speak I am overdrawn $3.00 on my checking account, and I have to pay a $35.00 fee now. I don't know how that works, but hopefully by Monday that won't increase. Then I have to decide what I need to do with my credit card debt. At this point all I can pay is $15 monthly on two separate accounts. The thing is that unless I talk with them and get them to knock off the interest rate and finance charge, that's not going to lower my debt at all. I've thought about bankruptcy, but at this point I am afraid of what they can, and will take away.

I hear people kill themselves over all this stuff. I'm certainly not going to do that, but it just makes me angry that the banks really don't look at how much, or what kind of income a person has before giving them a credit card. They need to look into a whole lot of things, including inquiring about a person's past finances before doing that.

Anyways, hopefully I'll learn my lesson this time around....

Admittedly I am a technology freak...ok, well maybe a computer freak...geek or whatever you may have. But if there's one piece of technology I absolutely hate is the cel phone. Yeah, I am probably the only one that hates it...so shoot me.

Don't get me wrong...I've had my "year of grandeur" with this apparatus...the year I had no choice but to sign a contract because first of all, my girlfriend moved out of state. Second of all, there was the absolute redundancy and cost of going 5 or so miles out of my way to purchase a long-distance phone card, and third, but not least, the fact that we had only one phone line in the house.

So I dipped in and started paying I think it started out being $39.00 a month with T-mobile...not a bad deal, you got 5 favs, with meant that you had 5 people you could call anytime for free...the rest were part of the $39 (I imagine anyways, could be wrong).

Anyways, I used it day and night...calling on the only real "fav" I had on there....a dear lady friend whom moved out of state. It was my relationship with her that caused me to purchase (or should I say "chain myself to") the T-mobile service in the first place.

Alas, that friendship, and the whole reason for having the T-mobile cel phone (or any cel phone) service came to it's eventual conclusion. What started out as a blessing turned into a curse....I forged ahead with about fourmonths of having to pay a bill I didn't use, and really didn't need. Yeah, sure I tried to connect with people. But it wasn't a necessity to actually be on the service at all.

I could have gone ahead and cancel the service...but doing so would have meant paying out a $200.00 early termination fee, and frankly, I didn't have that kind of money.

So now I am waiting patiently until next month's disability check to pay the last of the T-mobile account.

These days, owning/paying a cel phone account usually invites people (especially teenagers) to "text" each other. I find this amusing...you used to see all these people/kids walking into say...oh Taco Bell together, and they are all talking, laughing, etc. But that's not really the norm anymore. Instead you see people mostly pounding furiously at their "keys" sending what amounts to a rather long "short-hand" version of a "message" to their friends. It's like everyone has lost the art of verbal communication. What could be verbally spoken in less than 3 seconds is now texted in approximately the same time.

Pretty soon, evolution will see the human tongue dissappear, replaced by an extra set of fingers. At about 53-5 years after birth the extra set of fingers, now packed into a hole where normally the tongue resides, will poke through and grab onto the first of the new breed of "text only" cel phones.

And the kid's spelling has changed, and will most likely continue to change....it's like the teenagers in high school, who have achieved an "A+" in grade school spelling, have reverted to a perverted sense of hashing and mashing the english language. You even see it a lot on the internet. Yet it goes further than that, because it gets translated into the adult world.

Anyways....Cricket Cel Service....$1-$3 a day for service which you can adjust to meet your needs (ie.calls, text, internet). I only pay for the days that I use it. No contract and the signal is pretty good. I signed with them because first of all, I don't use my cel phone every day, which would cost me $40.00 with a monthly contract on any other network, and I absolutely hated, and do hate recieving text messages. If I can't hear your voice over the freaking phone, then I will assume you do not want to talk to me at all.

Well what a bummer. I woke up today with an email that says I have no money in the bank. Zilch1 So I dipped once again into my savings...sigh!

I hate the world order. Seems like we can't live without spending money every single day for one thing or another. Maybe that's why I was having so many probems when I used to work. Not that I spent money everyday, but the fact that I knew that working only "paid the bills."

A very long time ago, when I was young I had "visions pf granduer" I guess...I knew what I wanted to be, and how successful I wanted to be. My ideal occupation went from a shirt and tie architechtual-drafting technician, to a suit and tie graphic artist, down to a t-shirted airbrush artist, back up to a suited Pastor. In between the usual rock guitarist, Indy 500 driver, Top Gun Pilot, etc.

I remember however, it all started with me exploring all the library books I could find on space travel. I wanted to be either a Neil Armstrong, or a Chuch Yeager.

SPEED Baby! That's what it was all about.

But I was always drawing, always finding ways of mixing colors on paper. I went from simply pencil on paper, to crayons, to those neat three-color Bic Pens that they still sell. I have two around here somewhere.

I even took up airbrushing after enjoying myself in a class at college. I used to spend 24 hours days in my garage, just airbrushing. Mostly female figures...Country music stars, rock stars, even sports cars. I think I was successful at airbrushing more than at anything else. Heck I even made some good money at it, however few and inbetween the opportunities came in....lowrider bicycle frames, portraits, even a truck tailgate. I want to get back into it...I just need the inspiration and determination.

Somewhere I got involved with the computer...and then everything else pretty much went on the sideline. Games and computer graphics took over my life. Not that I was., or am complaining...but the computer actually stiffles the creative edge, as it does the inspirational edge as well. Maybe I need to become a computer technician.

Oh wait. I've already been one...actually my last successful job was working as a Tech Supprt specialost for Earthlink Internet Services. I loved the job and gave everything I had to helping people solve their internet and online experiences. But due to the way that the employee turnover rate was/is in that field, my account with the company was terminated. Not that I have anything bad to say about Earthlink at all. It's just that the outsourcing companies really suck!

Anyways, I really wanted to stick to the topics of bank accounts, but it seems I have more than financial accounts on my head.